We here at the Washington Free Beacon are no fans of change.
We haven’t replaced our Brita filter since the Obama administration. We still publish Matthew Continetti. And in flagrant defiance of the movement to abolish gender, each year we proudly honor MEN—not women, not people, not gender dysmorphic bi-genitalia pansexuals—but MEN of the Year.
Until now.
For years, we laughed at progressives who said men could be women and women could be president. But this year, one brave woman convinced us that men do not have a monopoly on manliness. And so, we are proud to present a female Man of the Year: J.K. Rowling.
For years now, the Harry Potter author has been steadfast in her criticism of the “climate of fear” perpetuated by transgender activists, asserting that “sex is real” and slamming “irreversible” sex-change operations for young people. But her political activism is not why she’s getting this award.
Unsurprisingly, Rowling’s stance on gender has earned her criticism from her legions of woke fans, who would much prefer she get with the program and blog about how all goblins in the Harry Potter world are genderfluid. And while she’s never been shy at clapping back to her trolls, it wasn’t until this year that she really started talking like a man.
When asked by a basement-dwelling Twitter user how she could “sleep at night knowing” she’s alienated readers with her views, Rowling shot back: “I read my most recent royalty cheques and find the pain goes away pretty quickly.”
That’s an alpha-male flex, emphasis on the male. It’s Don Draper shutting down a hippie by telling him he sleeps on a bed made of money. It’s Rick Blaine telling Ugarte that he would probably despise him if he gave him any thought. It’s Harry Potter saying “yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker” before beating Professor Snape to death with a broom.
You can imagine Rowling firing off that tweet as she manspreads on a couch, presumably one that’s bursting at the seams with British Pounds. Speaking of the Pound, did you hear that King Charles’s face will begin appearing on the notes sometime in 2024? J.K Rowling heard, and she doesn’t care. Know why? Because she’s richer.
Defending women around the world. Telling your trolls to sod off by rubbing your $1.2 billion net worth in their faces. Out-earning the pansy boy king of England. That’s the stuff of legends—swashbuckling, ass-kicking, masculine legends.
So you win, liberals. We firmly believe that J.K. Rowling, a self-proclaimed female woman, is actually a man. And we are proud to name her a Washington Free Beacon Man of the Year.
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