Why won’t the feds fork over the $2 billion that Massachusetts needs to start building two new bridges to replace the ancient spans over the Cape Cod Canal?

What is wrong with our uber-woke all-Democrat Congressional delegation that they can’t figure out how to get our cut of the trillions in freshly-printed, increasingly worthless Brandon bucks?

By the way, disregard the $2 billion figure that the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers is estimating as the required amount to get things rolling.

Remember, those bridges were built very quickly during the Depression. It’s on the sign at the top of the Sagamore — 1933-35. These new bridges will take at least a half-century, and probably cost closer to $100 billion. Two billion is the number for… year one.

After all, the state’s real motto is, “Don’t Kill the Job!”

There is a very easy way to make sure that the cash starts flowing our way instantly.

Just announce that the replacement Cape bridges are going to be named after some local ultra-left lunatic — God, or should I say Allah, knows that there are enough of them around here.

This was an idea that a host on a Cape Cod radio talk station came up with, and it’s perfect. By this point, anyone can write a grant proposal mixing ‘n’ matching all the obligatory PC phrases — diversity, equity, inclusion, sustainability, justice, environmental, climate, righting historical wrongs, etc. etc.

But renaming the bridges would take the Democrat nonsense one step further. If we just announce plans to honor those who have destroyed the nation, Massachusetts could cut in line for a Democrat handout faster than an illegal alien fentanyl dealer with tattoos on his face and a machete in his backpack.

Speaking of which, don’t we need proper memorials to those teeming hordes who made have the Commonwealth what it is today — illegal aliens?

The number of bridges we’re talking about here is two — the exact same number of Barack Hussein Obama’s illegal alien relatives who leeched off the state’s taxpayers for decades.

First, there was Auntie Zeituni, an illegal alien from Kenya who proudly and publicly lived on welfare, in public housing. She said God told her to come to America and go on the dole.

Then there was Uncle Omar, the drunk-driving package-store clerk who squatted in Framingham with a fraudulent driver’s license he’d first scammed for himself back in the 1970s.

Rename the Sagamore “the Zeituni,” and call the new Bourne Bridge “the Uncle Omar.”

You do that for Obama’s freeloading forebears and the spigot will be turned on. Forget that measly $2 billion. The drifters and grifters in the Congressional delegation will soon be posing with a giant cardboard check for… $200 billion.

The Rev. Al Sharpton will fly up for the ribbon cutting.

I have a different suggestion for the bridge in Bourne, or as Sen. Elizabeth Warren once pronounced it on live statewide TV, “Bern.”

Let us name the replacement “Bern Bridge” after Lieawatha herself. Call it “the Fake Indian.”

I can hear the traffic reports now: “Wow! Drivers, it will take you many moons to get over the Fake Indian tonight. You’ll be on the warpath if you have to get anywhere on the Cape right now. Ugh!”

Politicians have always been vain, but now they’re more insufferable than ever. Legends in their own minds is what they are, drama queens — look at the crying jags in D.C. last week. So the hacks think it’s only proper and fitting to have something named after themselves.

It doesn’t matter how absurd it is. Consider New York, which got rid of the beautiful bridge name of “Tappan Zee” (named after an Indian tribe!). New York renamed the new structure after a shameless homophobic hack Democrat (a white guy, by the way!) named Mario Cuomo, whose two sons are even more reprehensible than he was.

The puppet masters of Dementia Joe are throwing trillions at every silly, wasteful proposal out there — the more ridiculous the better, as long as it funnels millions to assorted poverty pimps, community activists, Democrat bundlers, advocates, racial arsonists and the gender-bending likes of Sam Brinton and Dr. Rachel Levine.

Speaking of which, one of the new bridges could honor a past Massachusetts statesman of the LGBTQ+ persuasion.

How about the late Rep. Gerry Studds, the serial pederast (fired by St. Paul’s School, then censured 420-3 by his fellow Congressmen for sodomizing an underage male page)?

But the Democrats have already named part of the Atlantic Ocean after their beloved hero — the Gerry Studds Stellwagen Bank National Marine Sanctuary.

So why don’t we call one of the bridges “the Barney Frank-Hot Bottom?” Barney, of course, is the New Jersey blow-in who represented Brookline and Newton in Congress.

Hot Bottom was Barney’s rent-boy, the male prostitute who set up his own personal house of ill repute in the carpet-bagging Congressman’s bed.

Barney’s bridge would quickly become known as “the Bottom,” and wouldn’t it be amusing to hear the traffic reporters talking about how “the Bottom” was all jammed up, etc.

The contemptible Kennedys already seem to have half the state’s public buildings named after them, but what about their many victims, especially women?

My modest suggestion would be to name the two new bridges the Mary Jo and the Marilyn, after Misses Kopechne and Monroe, respectively.

Those bridges could have exits memorializing other female victims of America’s First Family — the Pam Kelley Exit, or the Blue Dot Woman, or the Gloria Swanson…

When will Massachusetts make a decision on these new names for the bridges?

Well, as Ted Kennedy once said to Mary Jo, “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it….”